i just sent this text using only my big toe
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
