You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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