high people should be assigned attendants
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
