I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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