I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
