im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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