Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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