There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
