it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
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And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
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Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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