i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
