She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
