I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
