went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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