I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
