and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
