I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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