ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
