I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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