I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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