you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
