I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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