def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
There's always time for handjobs
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Send help, water and tortillas.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
