Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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