Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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