my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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