ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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