Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
