Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
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I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
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Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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