1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
