I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
