but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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