so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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