I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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