I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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