i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
