ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
