If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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