I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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