I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
