I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
