his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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