I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
