There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
