I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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