I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize