wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
