That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
