My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
