If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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