He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
