Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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