I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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