Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.