her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
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Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
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It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.