i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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