Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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