i already hear my dad disowning me
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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