He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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