I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
