Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
